love pt 2

Finding what you’ve been searching for can be a precocious ordeal, but it is intrinsically sweet nonetheless. From my last post I explored what it means to finally figure out and to ask others to remind me that I’m loved, this post is another reflection on that idea. I have tossing and turning over something in mind.

Why have I resisted other peoples, mine, and God’s love? Honestly, who would resist such a feeling, emotion, and verb?

The reason I have done so many times in the past is to put people in my debt. Now that sounds like a silly thing, how can I put people in my debt? I have this problem, I constantly search for meaning in the things I do. I constantly tell myself that I need to do things in order to find favor with people, but I also tell myself the opposite. That by doing things people owe me. What do people owe me? I have no earthly clue, but I do know my childish frustrations are founded in this lack of principle. I owe myself the credit I deserve. I’m constantly my worst enemy and when people wouldn’t pay back what I gave I felt worthless and not included. I’m a good guy and I should acknowledge that about myself.

My biggest fault is trying to put God into my debt. Seriously, like I could do that with him. I would always think, “I’m doing this for his kingdom, so he owes me happiness, etc.” He doesn’t owe me a thing. I would also perform as penance for my grievous actions, as if he owed me forgiveness. Another way I would put him in my debt is by perform passive humility whereas I wouldn’t take care myself in the name of others to please him, but also seek a greater seat later in life. My goodness, I sound and act like the disciples at those moments. Now love does something different.

Love, we know the Corinthian ideals, and they are true. Love cuts through debt and says regardless of whom you are, where you have been, I’m still here fighting, crying, and celebrating you. Now when I hear that my friends love me, I’m starting to see how they’ve fought, how they’ve prayed, and how they think I’m a wonderful person regardless of what I have done for them. Therefore, I see how I worth being fought for, sought, prayed for, and seen in a joyous light. Most importantly, I see that God forgives me; I see that he felt every emotion I have felt, and he loves me enough to send his son to the cross for me. None of us deserve it, but he does nonetheless.

I’m a dumb sheep that follows a good shepherd. I love you all dearly.

-Dudley

to be loved

To be loved… I have a friend who wrote a song that states it is all we want. I think both are true. We want to be loved, but at the same time we don’t want to be loved. It is ridiculously late for me to be writing this, but I can’t sleep, and I’m having an epiphany. When I get those it is time to write. I have once again screwed up friendships, I didn’t do my cardinal sin which is curse and say bad things to them rather, I got emotional and pinned on them which is my other cardinal sin. Can you have two cardinal sins? Anyways, I have had conversations galore with people tonight and the last about love.

First thing I can tell you that I don’t feel loved. Now that is a misnomer because I am in fact ridiculously loved, but because it doesn’t fill me up it therefore feels, not necessarily up to par, but it is lacking the correct love I should feel. I have a hard time feeling loved for many reasons; the number one has to be me. I don’t love myself. Now I’m not asking for narcissism, rather I’m talking about becoming willing to accept that I’m not that bad of a person, that what I do has worth. I need to stop searching for worth from people who already see mine. I need to realize that my potential is only limited because of myself. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. Realizing my childhood wasn’t perfect and I put people in positions to fulfill those childhood needs is wrong. I don’t need a second mother and father. I need to see that all of my friends have tried their hardest to love me, and I need to accept that from them. The major thing I need is to see that God loves me. Religious overtones I know, but it is true. I honestly don’t think he does. I mean, I ask myself why he would like a man who practically acts like a boy, and so on and so on. But I need to see I am NO different from the 6.3 billion people in this world. In fact I have it better than 99 percent of this world. I need to see that the cross was sufficient. I need to stop acting like an Israelite and act like disciple. I need to be a dumb sheep and follow an amazing Sheppard. God loves me, he madly and crazily loves me, and he loves you.

Now if I’ve tagged you it means I care deeply and love you dearly. I want you to help me. This is how, you see a sad post, put God loves you , you see a crazed post put God loves you, and if you see at my lowest post put God loves you. Know that I dearly love all of you.

Love

Dudley

Late night walks

I love to take walks. I love them because it is an easy mechanism for exercise, a way to focus, and a way for me to cool down. I take one at least every night. My neighbors in the apartment must think I'm a pacing fool, but I'm taking full use of a quarter mile ring. Lately, my thoughts have been about clearing up misconceptions I have about myself and others. Quite frankly, I prefer to have my original thoughts. Simply because it is easier that way, but I am not about doing things the easy way anymore. I'm continually thinking I'm a worthless individual and not worth talking too or even acknowledging, which is simply not true. As for my thoughts on others, they have been brushed aside so that I can clearly see that some of them are false.

There are some things about walks I like in general. One thing I like is the rhythm of the walk. One by one, bum bum, bum bum, bum bum, over and over again. I can start to breath in such a pattern that it calms my senses and expands my thoughts. I like walks because they are slow enough you can notice the small beautiful things, like flowers, an interesting leaf, or stars. The quiet, if your not listening to music, is great as well. Providing that great temp let for contemplation. Sometimes poetry comes out of these moments. Like this:

Looking at the stars
As a Prince I then wonder
Which bright star is mine.

I have always taken walks, even as early as 13 as a means to just get away from everything. You could even call it a moment of solitude. Around the block I would go constantly to get away from some of my darker thoughts. At Eastern, I would even take a walk if it was bitterly cold out. There, I would also take drives. I would drive to my old house and stare and think about how this is the last place where I remember being sane.

Entrusting in Love

-Dudley

and it comes back

It came back on Sunday night, I thought the worst of it was overwith, I thought my medication was starting to work and then the nightmare started up again. When will this stop, when can I be normal? Why God? Why?

-jtd

What I thought today

I've been writing in a personal journal for awhile now, my stuff is so depressing that it makes me even more depressed. That is not a good cycle. I'm going to share a journal entry I made today without the spelling mistakes.

Do I love mercy? Do I act justly? Do I walk humbly with my God? I can answer that question and it is an absolute no. I'm not seeking what is right, what is just. I'm not spending my money to end the big problems of this world. I reluctantly give, but by grace I still gave. I haven't had an earnest , restless yearning to end what is wrong. I've only cared about my own needs, my own desires, and my own self being. I pushed back the very God influenced need to see right performed. Deep down I was trying to pat out an all consuming fire to see justice. I shown no mercy to people. I haven't been kind or thoughtful. I've just been going through the motions to survive. I have so much pride its sickening. It always has to be about me, about my needs, about what I think, and about where I think we should go. I should just let what is, be. Why should it be about what I've given up? Why should it be about what I've done? I've done nothing. I've been so macho about my disease, acting like I have it all together, saying, "I'm fine" when I'm not. Lying has become easier then dealing with the pain. I haven't walked much less loved God. Seriously, why can't I love God? I'm alive when I should be dead. That alone should cause devotion.

I've been traveling in the wilderness for 10 years now. The wilderness is that place where you feel so spiritually alone that you begin to think God does not exist. In this place all communication stops, you feel like your prayers are hitting steel walls. This is the place where you can't much less want to worship through song. You don't want to read scripture and scripture seems dead. Instead of having scripture read you, or inspire you, or set you on fire it just seems like any other book. With a few oasis in between, that has been my spiritual life. I'm in the wilderness but I'm not panting for God, that sounds too cliche, but its true. I've called out for his rescue and received no answers. Maybe I'm not thirsty enough.

By love,

-Dudley

i'm mentally, verbally,, awvful

No spell Check, or grammar check. I'm going to attempt to write this in a way that expresses my thoughts. A joyce experiment if you will. I'm in my danger moment, where one little thing can set me off. I hate these moments. I verbally lash out, I act extremely childish, threaten to leave and never come back to my friends, I lashed out at my mom today b/c she messed up my plans. I lashed out at my friend because things weren't going the way I planned them and at that moment I just didn't like having to deal with her. I've been setting my self up for failure. I mean I let my emotions get the best of me, I let people who;s opinions I dictate as more important to a level that they should never go. I have become the at selfish Little brat that I have been trying to kill for forever now. I I contemplate hard on others either through their dreams never coming true or through a wish of bad luck onto them. My patience is limited. I don't like myself right now, I don't feel loved, but I know I amn. I feel under appreciated and thinking well they'll be lost without when in truth they're probably better without me. I berate myself constantly over how I think and what I've said. I'm trying to love and it keeps on getting thrust bakc into my face as if I'm not worthy enought to love this person. I far to too selfish to begin. Thees are the moment where I wish I could just crash and fall asleep. I'm entering that stage of where I want to leave for 3 weeks just for the selfish satisfaction of when I com back everyone will be forced to say they missed.me . I meanj where the heck does that come from????? Seriously. Yet, it is still there. I find myself resolving my anger to one person who hardly deserves it. I of course would any one dare know. My tongue is stabbing which means I'm my words to cause hard. Where does that come from. There sar ethe moment I wish I could crawl into my close t and not come out for two weeks, these are the moment s I get frighten about because living with me in these moment make or break nearly everyone of my friendships. and unfortunately I feel like they always turn sour. Id on't dearve any of this. I don't deserve the good friends I have here, once I take care of my responsibilities then it might be time for me to start anew again., because how dare I try to let peopel get to know me. My insecurity, my selfishness, my guilt, my hurth, my deep pain. My eagerness to avoid any conflict. I'm passive aggressive in the slightest I just let go, when the problem should be resovled. LEt people see my jealously my judgemental spirit, all of it. I'm being forced thourgh out of mere happenstance th show who I truly am. The very weak , insecure, worrier, who only see dead ravens,. Jesus take this away please.

love -jtd