to be loved

To be loved… I have a friend who wrote a song that states it is all we want. I think both are true. We want to be loved, but at the same time we don’t want to be loved. It is ridiculously late for me to be writing this, but I can’t sleep, and I’m having an epiphany. When I get those it is time to write. I have once again screwed up friendships, I didn’t do my cardinal sin which is curse and say bad things to them rather, I got emotional and pinned on them which is my other cardinal sin. Can you have two cardinal sins? Anyways, I have had conversations galore with people tonight and the last about love.

First thing I can tell you that I don’t feel loved. Now that is a misnomer because I am in fact ridiculously loved, but because it doesn’t fill me up it therefore feels, not necessarily up to par, but it is lacking the correct love I should feel. I have a hard time feeling loved for many reasons; the number one has to be me. I don’t love myself. Now I’m not asking for narcissism, rather I’m talking about becoming willing to accept that I’m not that bad of a person, that what I do has worth. I need to stop searching for worth from people who already see mine. I need to realize that my potential is only limited because of myself. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. Realizing my childhood wasn’t perfect and I put people in positions to fulfill those childhood needs is wrong. I don’t need a second mother and father. I need to see that all of my friends have tried their hardest to love me, and I need to accept that from them. The major thing I need is to see that God loves me. Religious overtones I know, but it is true. I honestly don’t think he does. I mean, I ask myself why he would like a man who practically acts like a boy, and so on and so on. But I need to see I am NO different from the 6.3 billion people in this world. In fact I have it better than 99 percent of this world. I need to see that the cross was sufficient. I need to stop acting like an Israelite and act like disciple. I need to be a dumb sheep and follow an amazing Sheppard. God loves me, he madly and crazily loves me, and he loves you.

Now if I’ve tagged you it means I care deeply and love you dearly. I want you to help me. This is how, you see a sad post, put God loves you , you see a crazed post put God loves you, and if you see at my lowest post put God loves you. Know that I dearly love all of you.

Love

Dudley