love pt 2

Finding what you’ve been searching for can be a precocious ordeal, but it is intrinsically sweet nonetheless. From my last post I explored what it means to finally figure out and to ask others to remind me that I’m loved, this post is another reflection on that idea. I have tossing and turning over something in mind.

Why have I resisted other peoples, mine, and God’s love? Honestly, who would resist such a feeling, emotion, and verb?

The reason I have done so many times in the past is to put people in my debt. Now that sounds like a silly thing, how can I put people in my debt? I have this problem, I constantly search for meaning in the things I do. I constantly tell myself that I need to do things in order to find favor with people, but I also tell myself the opposite. That by doing things people owe me. What do people owe me? I have no earthly clue, but I do know my childish frustrations are founded in this lack of principle. I owe myself the credit I deserve. I’m constantly my worst enemy and when people wouldn’t pay back what I gave I felt worthless and not included. I’m a good guy and I should acknowledge that about myself.

My biggest fault is trying to put God into my debt. Seriously, like I could do that with him. I would always think, “I’m doing this for his kingdom, so he owes me happiness, etc.” He doesn’t owe me a thing. I would also perform as penance for my grievous actions, as if he owed me forgiveness. Another way I would put him in my debt is by perform passive humility whereas I wouldn’t take care myself in the name of others to please him, but also seek a greater seat later in life. My goodness, I sound and act like the disciples at those moments. Now love does something different.

Love, we know the Corinthian ideals, and they are true. Love cuts through debt and says regardless of whom you are, where you have been, I’m still here fighting, crying, and celebrating you. Now when I hear that my friends love me, I’m starting to see how they’ve fought, how they’ve prayed, and how they think I’m a wonderful person regardless of what I have done for them. Therefore, I see how I worth being fought for, sought, prayed for, and seen in a joyous light. Most importantly, I see that God forgives me; I see that he felt every emotion I have felt, and he loves me enough to send his son to the cross for me. None of us deserve it, but he does nonetheless.

I’m a dumb sheep that follows a good shepherd. I love you all dearly.

-Dudley