It came back on Sunday night, I thought the worst of it was overwith, I thought my medication was starting to work and then the nightmare started up again. When will this stop, when can I be normal? Why God? Why?
-jtd
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Thursday, November 13, 2008
What I thought today
I've been writing in a personal journal for awhile now, my stuff is so depressing that it makes me even more depressed. That is not a good cycle. I'm going to share a journal entry I made today without the spelling mistakes.
Do I love mercy? Do I act justly? Do I walk humbly with my God? I can answer that question and it is an absolute no. I'm not seeking what is right, what is just. I'm not spending my money to end the big problems of this world. I reluctantly give, but by grace I still gave. I haven't had an earnest , restless yearning to end what is wrong. I've only cared about my own needs, my own desires, and my own self being. I pushed back the very God influenced need to see right performed. Deep down I was trying to pat out an all consuming fire to see justice. I shown no mercy to people. I haven't been kind or thoughtful. I've just been going through the motions to survive. I have so much pride its sickening. It always has to be about me, about my needs, about what I think, and about where I think we should go. I should just let what is, be. Why should it be about what I've given up? Why should it be about what I've done? I've done nothing. I've been so macho about my disease, acting like I have it all together, saying, "I'm fine" when I'm not. Lying has become easier then dealing with the pain. I haven't walked much less loved God. Seriously, why can't I love God? I'm alive when I should be dead. That alone should cause devotion.
I've been traveling in the wilderness for 10 years now. The wilderness is that place where you feel so spiritually alone that you begin to think God does not exist. In this place all communication stops, you feel like your prayers are hitting steel walls. This is the place where you can't much less want to worship through song. You don't want to read scripture and scripture seems dead. Instead of having scripture read you, or inspire you, or set you on fire it just seems like any other book. With a few oasis in between, that has been my spiritual life. I'm in the wilderness but I'm not panting for God, that sounds too cliche, but its true. I've called out for his rescue and received no answers. Maybe I'm not thirsty enough.
By love,
-Dudley
Do I love mercy? Do I act justly? Do I walk humbly with my God? I can answer that question and it is an absolute no. I'm not seeking what is right, what is just. I'm not spending my money to end the big problems of this world. I reluctantly give, but by grace I still gave. I haven't had an earnest , restless yearning to end what is wrong. I've only cared about my own needs, my own desires, and my own self being. I pushed back the very God influenced need to see right performed. Deep down I was trying to pat out an all consuming fire to see justice. I shown no mercy to people. I haven't been kind or thoughtful. I've just been going through the motions to survive. I have so much pride its sickening. It always has to be about me, about my needs, about what I think, and about where I think we should go. I should just let what is, be. Why should it be about what I've given up? Why should it be about what I've done? I've done nothing. I've been so macho about my disease, acting like I have it all together, saying, "I'm fine" when I'm not. Lying has become easier then dealing with the pain. I haven't walked much less loved God. Seriously, why can't I love God? I'm alive when I should be dead. That alone should cause devotion.
I've been traveling in the wilderness for 10 years now. The wilderness is that place where you feel so spiritually alone that you begin to think God does not exist. In this place all communication stops, you feel like your prayers are hitting steel walls. This is the place where you can't much less want to worship through song. You don't want to read scripture and scripture seems dead. Instead of having scripture read you, or inspire you, or set you on fire it just seems like any other book. With a few oasis in between, that has been my spiritual life. I'm in the wilderness but I'm not panting for God, that sounds too cliche, but its true. I've called out for his rescue and received no answers. Maybe I'm not thirsty enough.
By love,
-Dudley
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