i'm mentally, verbally,, awvful

No spell Check, or grammar check. I'm going to attempt to write this in a way that expresses my thoughts. A joyce experiment if you will. I'm in my danger moment, where one little thing can set me off. I hate these moments. I verbally lash out, I act extremely childish, threaten to leave and never come back to my friends, I lashed out at my mom today b/c she messed up my plans. I lashed out at my friend because things weren't going the way I planned them and at that moment I just didn't like having to deal with her. I've been setting my self up for failure. I mean I let my emotions get the best of me, I let people who;s opinions I dictate as more important to a level that they should never go. I have become the at selfish Little brat that I have been trying to kill for forever now. I I contemplate hard on others either through their dreams never coming true or through a wish of bad luck onto them. My patience is limited. I don't like myself right now, I don't feel loved, but I know I amn. I feel under appreciated and thinking well they'll be lost without when in truth they're probably better without me. I berate myself constantly over how I think and what I've said. I'm trying to love and it keeps on getting thrust bakc into my face as if I'm not worthy enought to love this person. I far to too selfish to begin. Thees are the moment where I wish I could just crash and fall asleep. I'm entering that stage of where I want to leave for 3 weeks just for the selfish satisfaction of when I com back everyone will be forced to say they missed.me . I meanj where the heck does that come from????? Seriously. Yet, it is still there. I find myself resolving my anger to one person who hardly deserves it. I of course would any one dare know. My tongue is stabbing which means I'm my words to cause hard. Where does that come from. There sar ethe moment I wish I could crawl into my close t and not come out for two weeks, these are the moment s I get frighten about because living with me in these moment make or break nearly everyone of my friendships. and unfortunately I feel like they always turn sour. Id on't dearve any of this. I don't deserve the good friends I have here, once I take care of my responsibilities then it might be time for me to start anew again., because how dare I try to let peopel get to know me. My insecurity, my selfishness, my guilt, my hurth, my deep pain. My eagerness to avoid any conflict. I'm passive aggressive in the slightest I just let go, when the problem should be resovled. LEt people see my jealously my judgemental spirit, all of it. I'm being forced thourgh out of mere happenstance th show who I truly am. The very weak , insecure, worrier, who only see dead ravens,. Jesus take this away please.

love -jtd