The gravity of mondays

Today was one of those days, a day where everything just felt so empty; it felt like there was something more to this day then simply what I was doing throughout the day. I had one of those beautiful weekends, you know the ones where everything that can go right does, and all the things that can and do go wrong are completely fixed. My church's retreat was this weekend and it was everything I would hope it be, no or little structure, a presence of just being with people, and fostering and strengthening of previous relationships. Yet, it wasn't this emotional high, rather it was pure contentment of knowing that at this moment I belonged there in the canyon. When things did go wrong I actually would deal with them, whether it would be my engine cover falling apart or one of my good friends forgetting to get me ice cream when they asked if they could do that for me. I actually mentioned that it bothered me.

But, today; today was laborious. I didn't want to wake up in the morning, I did not want to do anything with the outside world, and I would have simply been happy rolled up in my bed and just lied there moping. It would have been like so many of my college days where I would refuse to wake and face the grim reality that the world is not perfect, things go wrong, and I've been called to live through it. I woke up, got to work late, and then proceded through the day. Fixing problems that I never started, fixing problems that my coworkers should be completing but don't because I gladly will do it for them, and being the one who gets things done. At work I feel there is no meaning there, that all i do is in vain, and simply it is right the means for me to live. In obediance I stay and cultivate there what I need to cultivate. Traffic on the way home was luckily not bad, with the exception of the uncanny knack of Houston drivers to always cut off, speed excessively, and tail gate without reason, it was normal. Day goes on and then a meeting starts. I try to have a conversation with a friend of mine and it came out awkward. It was one of those conversations where you constantly feel you have to work at it, where it just doesn't seem to naturally flow, and no matter what you do it seems like you're just simply annoying the hell out of the person. So this of course puts me in a slight swing and I'm gone for about 2 hours. This of course triggers inside my little head the conscience button, who then nails me again for blaming other people for my problems. Once again I go into "lets destroy myself mode" where I constantly tell myself, I'm an idiot, no one loves me, I'm a haggard, I am a no body and people keep me around because I'm some sort of welfare pity person who needs to be taken cared of because God said so., and the list can go on and on and on. As you can imagine I am now in full depression mode, and when I'm there I eat, and when I eat it is never good for you like an apple or bananas, no I go straight for fast food, and then I write.

So today started with me remembering how deprived, and stupid I sound. The good news that I'm going to get through it. I did not leave, and I'm going to fight for tomorrow. I have been given everything I need in order to live in obedience to what God has planned for today and the next.

Love,

James Thomas Dudley